So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there. I feel Im too old to do anything to cause me to have to be alone. Isnt going to happen. 17) She doesn't try to make you feel better anymore. Life is tough, and tougher knowing you are not going to get laid. I am a man who has been married for 48 years and to read The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants suggests a serious mental illness. Susan, I have one word for you intimacy and all the other women that do not understand the difference between intimacy and sex. Take care of yourself. When we DO have intimacy, it usually comprises me masturbating until she finishes me with her mouth (which she still likes to do) and her using one of those power vibrators that sound like a jackhammer to get herself off. I have many friends in this situation. My wife avoids intimacy a vast majority of married men live with this nagging feeling, sometimes for years on end. I grew up ramming into me that Im there for husbands sole desire. So not only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably wont want her to anymore. Without this love, there isn't much for the relationship to stand on. I have joint custody with my ex. Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. To the men out there, moaning about their wives loosing interest, think about how you would feel after loosing your testicles. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. I have spent most of my life not being spoiled by anyone. Harley Men must risk themselves, including sacrificing their own lives if necessary, to protect the women and children in their care. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? If they need get that only from you, so be it. Food, sleep, sex. No human being should dominate another person. Our experts helped them improve their sex life by advising a bit more spontaneity. Hopefully I will die and be out of this misery. Honor us with attention and physical contact. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. At 20 years I did start having a partner on the side because I was very sexually frustrated and that partner within the same situation. She tricked me, I fell in love, we have 4 grown awesome me, the model relationship in our large family. I am fairly attractive and I. Ask if there is something you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her. Hormones. I offered my husband a quick and easy as possible divorce. I caught her in a flirtation as she calls it, with her boss. I havent had a BJ for about 20years, my wife wont even touch my penis so a HJ is out of the question too. Now it is back to looking at every other couple as maybe having something unattainable for me and my Wife. What played in husband mind is that the wife do not care, do not want to have relationship, intimacy etc. I was looking forward to my sexual freedom and massive quantities of sex and orgasms. Dont kid yourself, she still understands a mans needs. I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. It isnt about the phone or computer. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. The question is, will we accept that fact, those facts, and act upon them in honorable fashion.? All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. To see my wife go direct to the Phone on the first morning home and second morning home was very upsetting. If thats the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. I am very attracted sexually to my wife and it hurts my ego that she isnt at all. For others that are on the borderline of this happening: I am 53 and my wife is 55. If you think Im going to live the rest of my life without sex your absolutely out of your mind. Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think we are all sexual beings with desire. I am in your same position but from the other side I am a 64 year old healthy, active man. (Note to women reading this thread: though the accepted wisdom is women love big penises, Ive found in my experience that its certainly not universal. How about just being happy with love and affection? I totally understand your story. My thoughts are I need to end my current marriage so I can MoveOn. But here I sit.pissed off. With my wife it was menopause. Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. I became so dry that sex was painful, we tried different lubricants but nothing really helped much. You have grown as a human being . This is hard, because of my upbringing and the fact she is a wonderful person in every other way. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. Agree Sean. And its been going that way for years. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning, supportive of a partner struggling with mental health, it's OK to not want sex with your partner, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25855662/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5994393/. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. 5509 W. Gray Street, Suite 100Tampa, FL 33609(813) 222-8300, Copyright 2022 Family First, INC. All Rights Reserved.Site Design by Design Extensions, 4 Things to Do When Your Wife Wont Touch You. There is a disconnect, a lack of communication and a lot of arguments. I dont know where to start. Here is what the problem is when it comes to SEX. Sucks to be me, right! In other words, pressure makes for bad sex even when you actually end up having it, and all that pressure and bad sex might make your wife just lose interest in sex completely. Are you serious? We havent had sex in 6 months and she has rejected my advances numerous times. We males, as the so perceived alphas in these situations, just accept and go along with the flow without ever considering the other; the what if . and I feel I have been cheated. I am going to be 42 years old!! Be a fuckin man. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. With out being rude . Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). We signed for our first mortgage when she was in ICU with fourth-stage cancer. 2 weeks later I spoke to her again and ended up asking if she knew what I was suggesting. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. She has her own retail business, which cash flows, but has hasnt turned a profit in the last 5 years. I just cant keep going like this. Its like shes ashamed of her vagina. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital Well said my friend. Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, What to do when wife wont put out? ask your partner if theyd like to experience something different in bed. Just need the fortitude to go. Would you expect your wife to attach as much emotional significance to cooking dinner as to making love? But in practice, no one is equal. Id like to hear how you feel. Women love that. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. So maybe try treating he how you did when first met. He tries to manipulate me about everything and after 30 years of marriage I am over it. In the room. Good luck. Four years of treatment, a fried heart valve replacement due to radiation. I too have never cheated. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. The last time we tried, she complained of the pain even with lubrication. I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. . Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. I spoil her all the time. All through this past Covid year, only one time did she come forward an say I need a hug. bcb Marriage vows are till death do you part. So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. In some cases, this can escalate intopostpartum depression, which is a common reason why many women experience a lack of sexual desire after childbirth. Our marriage still isnt consummated, and this grieves me as I yearn to be loved in this way. Especially because . She wants no part of it. If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know theres something going on. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). Many health issues can affect a woman's sexual desire, from diabetes to chronic pain conditions to cancer. Before I married my second wife, Vicky told me she made a terrible mistake, still loves me and wanted back. We had enjoyed a lovely sex life, with the usual speed bumps (kids, work,etc) but we never stopped. . Women don't always want to necessarily take care of their husbands, but when they love you, they do. I would leave and strive to take care of her financial needs until she is able to take care of herself or meets a man her age or older who is happy as a roommate. However, if both partners are not okay with a sexless marriage, your relationship wont survive. Yes, life is complicated indeed, but I dont believe there is a season for sex and then not a season for it. The nipple is not an on and off switch. Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. I really just want to be wanted the way I want her, sexually or not, to just be valued as a committed, loving husband. He then sits and reads for hours on end. In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile toreduce her burden. . Self-love is the answer, but you can help, too. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. Were just a hole for your pole . Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? There are many reasons for vaginal pain, if indeed thats what shes experiencing, and getting the right medical help is essential. Your stereotypes are both incorrect AND insulting. I am afraid Buck is correct. If shes got a spouse who is extremely suspicious, shes not going to feel trusted or respected. In case you have nothing to hide, work on communication exercises with your partner to be able to tell her that there is no need for trust issues. They complain that the wife was open to sex anytime anywhere when they were dating but it all changed after kids were born. She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. There has never been either emotional OR physical closeness beginning soon after the marriage. I was married for 24 years. She refuses to talk about it. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you: Working a full-time job in addition to running household errands and caring for kids can be exhausting and stressful, so some women may simply feel too busy and overworked to have any energy for sex. My functioning would be fine when engaging in sex with a woman for the first time, paid sex, and one night stands. I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. I demonstrate my love for her in so many ways, little notes, letters, flowers messages in song, other women including young women I work with say they would love to have someone who loves and respects their partner and relationship like I do. I have hypertension and medications have affected my ability to get an erection. you get it. A study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. Bob, my wife is the same way, says she feels bad she has zero interest in sex, but doesnt offer anything like oral or HJ either. Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. Wow. how do i tell him that in this life, especially for them both, there is more to life than just sex. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. Recently she will get naked and say I just want you to cum. How To Romantically Flirt With Your Spouse? She does not like to give blow jobs or hand jobs, so I have to do it myself, jerking off and imagining sex with anyone. I have the same problem I love my wife but I need sex. I did a lot of stuff that I thought would make things easier for her. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. Divorce is not an option, But when the second son moves out to college there is an option I take his bedroom AND there is an option I go on an extended car road trip for a few months. Im basically living a lie until the time is right for us to part ways. A little flirting, some sex, and shed start pushing for a ring. He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. Shes always saying how bad she feels about it but but never offers to do anything. Maybe not as often or intense, but more tender, Life is complicated and gets more complicated as we get older. We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. There is no hope for this relationship. At least your wife gives you a hand job AND wants you to Cum on her tits! If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. I am 67 and my wife is 62. If us men were all so lucky! "The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. Ive tried scheduling, bringing in sex toys, texting, dating, hugging and cuddling in bed you name it. The subtle ways dates, touching, hoping havent worked and although years have passed, neither of you really understands yet how the other feels. Feeling this discrepancyor feeling like your partner is always asking for sex when you don't want itcan make the lower-libido person feel pressured into having sex. I have been married since 1983. Sometimes, the answer to, My wife rejects me all the time and I dont know why, can be the simple fact that youre not taking care of yourself anymore. You have put up with so much bull shit it is sickening. Men, if you want sex and the answer at home is no, you can accept that the last time you had sex will be it until you die. Now its too late. Prostate cancer or vaginal dryness does not preclude you from meeting the sexual needs of your partner out of laziness and a lack of giving a shit. Hi, Nice advice. We are just roommates. Figures, right? Hmmm. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. Step out of your own hurt feelings and into her world. My point is, most of the sexless marriage problems are from the man not ruling. Loved and desired! Didnt mean to lump all this on You but your comment triggered something. I worked my butt of the keep a sexless marriage away. Sexuality is just part of the human condition but a life partner who is no longer interested or capable of providing that experience must be respected and understood. I understand women loss interest but still love there husbands and dont want a divorce and most of the time its the same for the guy, I just wish women would be open to their husbands having discreet affairs, not prostitutes just flings. Gopa explains how having a partner who has severe trust issues can also be the reason why theres no intimacy in marriage from the wife. Related Reading: How To Romantically Flirt With Your Spouse? As I explained before on seniorplanet.org, spontaneous desire just happens, while responsive desire only happens after a womans body starts getting aroused. Demetria, so how old are you now? We dont understand anything about foreplay or romance. A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. Just get out Stan. Help out around the house and stop making your wife do everything. My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. When we have been lucky enough to have experienced phenomenal sex with our partners and that has been cut off, that does not mean we stop wanting or needing sex and intimacy. You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. I am sorry but I think thats just nuts. Thank you for sharing! I fail to see the point of continuing further. I want my wife to be happy with the experience as well. Stay with it, work on it with her. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. Perhaps, some counseling might even help. I figured this was my life, deal with it and shut up. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. Flirting in public! I dont clean enough, cook enough, keep on top of appointments, follow his assignments since youre retired now, you can do and I get assignments. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). It is very common for middle aged women to wind up being hypothyroid. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. Not so in an egalitarian or woman-dominated marriage where she gets what she wants that always ends in dysfunction & misery. A lack of communication may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. I think in many cases a therapist is in order but if only one party wants this and the other refuses to address the problem or go to a therapist, then the stalemate will undoubtedly continue unabated until well, divorce or death, whichever comes first! My husband is 46 gringo! Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. The precursor for any affair is emotional intimacy, says Gopa. Glenn, as a man to another man; its time to let that person go. I ask why she said it is just how it is. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. As we age we need to look at things with a different perspective. After everything a woman does in one day compare to what most lazy men would say.